Thanks, Ingrid.

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up

What if our baby comes home after nine?
What it your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometimes?
Then I'll be the one to find you
Safe in my heart

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up

gravity.

I probably shouldn't have worn such unstable shoes. Climbing up a rocky, steep hill in rainbows was difficult, a skill that i could never quite master even after years of visiting top of the world. the cold air took greedy bites at my face as I made my way up. The wind that blew relentlessly, making me occasionally lose balance and stagger. I probably shouldn't have been holding a bottle of wine on the way up either but it was a gift that Raffy (or was it Ralph?) had generously purchased for us. But as soon as I reached the top, the top of the world as we knew it, my fears completely vanished. we had finally reached our goal and we had reached it together. We made our way onto the dirt path that led us to the final destination. With the ocean down on the left and the lush, enthralling city lights on the right, the heaven we had stumbled upon was a sight for sore eyes. the city lights looked like "ten million fireflies that lit up the world" and it seemed my mind had fallen into a trance. My friend, Elysia, and I turned our faces away from the crowd to watch the city lights, braving the cold. I looked at her and I knew we were both thinking of one word: summer. we missed summer. Perhaps, we all did for more reasons than i can even begin to articulate. In that moment I knew there was no where else I would have rather been. I just wish everyone else could've been there, too. we stood in a huddled mess with our arms around one another, feeding each other various korean snacks and chips and taking sips of Andres, struggling to keep warm. Those arms of support I so longed for and missed were once around me again. It was the strength I needed to pull myself up to the surface after being dragged under the current for so long.

damn, it was a good night. Thank you.

Now when I think back on this night it seems as though I had dreamt it all. It went as quickly as it came, leaving behind blissful and bittersweet memories. You really can't keep waiting for happiness. "You can't make it come or go" because waiting for it only brings disappointment. it hits when you least expect it.

sometimes, I feel like Alice. I'm going further and further down the rabbit hole, testing my limits to see just how far down it goes. I don't know where the path leads but I'll never be able to live with myself if I don't find out.

I sat down with a good friend today and told him, more like vented to him, about how I let my flaws get in the way of being able to enjoy life whole heartedly. I over-analyze, over think, and am paranoid beyond belief and those are just 3 out of a million and one flaws. The Human heart and mind is too intricate for words. What amazed me more is that he understood was I was actually saying for it is often difficult to follow my scatter-brained train of thought. hahahahha.

oh, fall.5. you hold a special place in my heart.

make you feel my love.

it's become sort of a habit for me to title my blogs according to the song that is currently playing on my itunes. BUT obviously, even that is debatable since the titles have to SOMEWHAT relate to the blog. this title however, can be interpreted in many ways: a) it can be addressed to a lover or b) it can addressed to a friend in need; to let them know that your unconditional love and support is there, waiting whenever she/he should call upon it.

"oOoOf" (as John Kim would say) crazy for you by Adele just came on. Colin, Grace Cho, and I were all singing this song over and over again on video chat. it's been in my head since the day Raffy came into class with me and put his headphones in my ear and turned this beautiful song on. i love it and him.

insomnia has crept up on me again. you little creep. you 'lil nasty. researching about FGM (female genitle cutting) = a product of this betch named insomnia. why am i researching this arbitrary and (let's face it) gruesome topic? I was video chatting with Grace and Raffy (eff, all i do is video chat. no wonder I fail at school and life) and we randomly started talking about the female vagina. I'm normally not one who explores her vulgarity but the subject choice was interesting. I brought up this article I had read during my high school days about a young girl living in an African tribe who had experienced FGM, against her will (obviously). it pained me to read the article. it pained me then and it still pained me as spoke of the article to them.

To Amy Chen: your best nights are mine as well. You were the bell of the ball last night. Love you forever, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN!! here's to being bridesmaids.

I thought of an episode from LOST where Christian Shepherd says to Jack, his son, in a flashback "let it go, Jack. Let it go." Jack then proceeds to explain to Kate in the present time about how he's not good at letting things go. This random scene crawled into my head like a long forgotten memory and now I keep thinking about it. Am I like this? It doesn't usually take me long to let go of hurt feelings, fights, etc (those that are within reason) even if I am sensitive but I guess what i'm referring to is my inability to respond to certain changes in my life. Getting out of summer mode, saying goodbye, even saying, "see you later" has become difficult for me as I miss things and people all the time now. Dont worry, i'm not a hot mess of emotions, I just have these random spurts of nostalgia.

i'm craving a melon bar right now.

As dawn approaches, I must bid you farewell, my ever so faithful friend. Thank you for always being my refuge.

Toodles, Sweetheart.

Happiness.

it barely rained today. I walked back from the humanities building today while it was sprinkling and I couldn't help but stop in the middle of the bridge, close my eyes, and lift my head up towards the sky. I just wanted to breathe in the rain.

there are certain songs (many from the Fray) that i put on repeat on my itunes. I just can't get enough of them and THIS is one:

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home

I feel like this part is so true: "Happiness damn near destroys you

Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar"

Happiness is such a double edged sword. Maybe it's pessimistic of me to think of it that way, but at times, especially this summer, it truly did break my faith. Sometimes, when my life is really good I wait for something bad to happen. I don't know why I do it and I HATE that I do this, but I do. I can't help it.

I used to accompany Amy to her church on Friday nights. Ken, her pastor, had this segment during the Lent season called "Entering the Fray." Each week he would choose a different song written and performed by the Fray and use it as a foundation for his discussion topics. The first night I came, he chose the song "How to Save a Life" to coordinate with his presentation. I took it as a sign that I had come to the right place (how to save a life is one of my favorite songs and it applies to my life, very much so). A fray, he explained, was this messy struggle and whether the struggle be in school, work, at home, with friends and family, or elsewhere, everyone had a struggle. Everyone had demons to face and issues to solve. This past week has made me think of his sermon A LOT. It's interesting because since I started college my spirituality has been waning. But since the summer, my spirituality has grown. I started to pray again. I started to have faith in the world, in humanity, in those around me. I learned to have faith in complete strangers who knew nothing about me. And most of all, I learned to look past all the doubts, insecurities, and fears, and have faith in myself.

Happiness is a risk that we all take and it's up to us to decide if the battle and tears are worth it. But the best kind of happiness hits you when you least expect it. And in that moment when happiness makes it's way into your soul, seeping through your pores like tiny drops of sunshine, you forget about everything else. The bad makes everything that much better. it's refreshing. it's breathtaking. it's bold. it's beautiful. it's happiness, just go with it. (i learned, now i need to apply)

i am so weird. the way i write doesn't make sense. oh well.

sweet dreams, birdie.

Kiss the Rain

First rain fall of the season. I could watch and listen to rain all day. I spent forever just staring at the damp asphalt outside my window, marveling at the beauty of it all--I wondered how such dull and coarse material could be transformed into something so magnificent. The street lights even looked beautiful as they changed amongst the rain from green to yellow and then finally to a fiery red that commanded the attention of every single car coming its way, forcing them to come to a halt.

last week after my ASUCI meeting, I arrived at my sister's apartment to find my parents there. My mother handed me thirty dollars urging me to get a flu shot before the epidemic swept orange county. I scoffed as I took the money thinking that I wouldn't be getting sick any time soon; turns out, I did. THIS WEEKEND. I now have a sexy cold, fever and all. Karma? Hell no, I'm Catholic. I don't believe in that shit. But it sure does feel like it. haaaaah.

My sister was married this weekend. She, of course, was a beautiful bride. Bridal glow had descended upon her face as she entered the church with her thin, delicate arm wrapped around my father's. I swore to myself that my sister would be balling all night but Amy assured me that it's usually the grooms who are the first to shed a tear, not the brides. I observed, skeptically, to see if this was true--It was. Their eyes met as he started to (almost) scream his vows out of sheer nervousness, and he started to cry. I think Danny paused for 20 seconds at one point because his voice had gotten shaky. It was beautiful. All in all, it was the most fun wedding I had ever been too. Everything went smoothly--The Bride and Groom gave a moving performance as they performed their first dance to "I could not ask for more" by Edwin Mccain, and Danny's surprise towards the end of the reception (which consisted of him singing "I'll be" to my sister while playing his guitar) received much praise and applause. Girls turned green with envy, literally (LIT-TRAL-LY). Lindsey and Alex executed their maid of honor and best man speeches well. The DJ was great, playing all of the popular songs including SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS by LMFAO which Danny himself requested to be played at least three times throughout the night. THE OPEN BAR was met with much appreciation and love--most of the crowd hung out there drinking endless amounts of grey goose and PATRON (with lime of course). What a good night. Congratulations again, Danny and Sis. It was the epitome of perfection.

It seems as though these past few weeks since school started have been tough on everyone around me. Teach us how to play this game called life. But I guess if you taught us, that wouldn't make life worth living. You learn the hard way but what's important is that you and I learn. Sometimes, I welcome the learning and other times, I say, "FUCK IT."

I randomly thought about this scene from the Korean drama "My Name is Kim Samsoon." Hee Jin, Hyun Bin's current girlfriend, is sitting down at a cafe with the main character, Sam Soon. She tells Sam Soon to stop seeing Hyun Bin because his emotions are starting to become fickle. Sam soon replies that Hee Jin has no right to tell her what to do and if Hyun Bin says he wants to start seeing Sam Soon, she just might accept him back into her life. Hee Jin then replies back metaphorically: for all these years, she's climbed up a steep mountain with one dream in sight and if that dream/future/goal suddenly disappears, then what is she supposed to do?

I guess you have to watch the drama to completely understand but that's the basic gist of it all.

you fight for the things that truly matter. But you can't always fight alone.

With all my love,

Tammy.

the one where Tammy tells you.

current song: Gravity -- Sara Bareilles (on repeat, i have an urge to watch that piece from sytycd now)

i've started to developed this habit in the shower where i scrub my body with my loofa but somehow after i start, i unconsciously scrub my entire body until the skin is raw and red. i just realized my mind is trying to scrub off a bad day.

a wise woman once said, "And if at first you don't succeed, then dust yourself off and try again. You can dust it off and try again, try again." Aaliyah was a supporter of perseverance. I miss her.

It's hard to come back into a world where not everyone is open-minded or tries to be openminded. But that's partially what SPOP teaches you--To take what you learned for the past 5 months and share it with the rest society and ultimately, the world.

It really peeves me when people speak to me in a condescending manner as if I were a child who did not possess the mental capacity to comprehend anything. Why bother talking to someone like that? But then again, I should ask myself, why bother responding? You should be the bigger person and realize that a) this person might have a point or b) that it's not worth it.

my stomach just grumbled after I looked at a picture of a jja jang myun package in my mobile uploads album. i literally just started at the image for 5 minutes straight. it's calling my name from the fridge. i must resist.

SCATTER BRAINED--

_I asked my friend how they hold it all in and now i'm enlightened.

_i need to attend my classes. especially math. eff. insomnia is not an excuse to skip.

_i have trouble sleeping but it's odd because my mind is awake but my body's extremely tired.

_being alone for a while is good

_i cry too easily when i watch grey's but then again, MANY people do. hehe.

OOOOH, kiss the rain by yiruma just came on itunes. i still love it, even if i do wake up to it every morning. Angel once thought I was crazy for setting this as my alarm because she'd just fall back asleep listening to it.

_john kim texted me this morning telling me that a guy in his class was wearing a sweater with the word "OoOf" on it. I would so buy that.

but above all, I need to always remember what my roommate always tells me. "Think positively, Tammy. It'll come together in the end." Thanks, Dorie. Love you. (this just contradicts my entire blog)

Good night, and good luck.

blog spot cherry popped.

it's 4:19am in the wee hours of the morning and I'm leaving for yet another Vegas trip in 8 hours. This trip however, will not involve a mass of ROYALS running around the strip clinging to their fat tuesdays. I'm embarking on THIS adventure with another group of people that I hold dear to my heart: family--my sisters and cousins to be specific. to be completely "real" (as my spop dad--alex yoon puts it), i dreaded this trip and maybe i still am dreading it. I'm tired and worn out from moving all day and there are more reasons why that i cannot go into detail about right now. But, if i've learned anything this summer, it's to appreciate the blessings you already have in your life. my family is such a beautiful blessing to me and they've supported me from the moment I was born. So, it's up to me to do the same. It's up to me to think POSITIVELY, stop bitching about my selfish needs, suck it up, and enjoy these moments of family time that life rarely allows me. We probably won't have another trip like this for years to come because my oldest sister is getting married in october and soon, she'll embark on another journey down the path of motherhood by creating a family of her own. SO, i'm "MAXIMIZING" time with family and putting my heart into this trip.

speaking of blessings in my life, i had a date with one of my best friends, Amy, today. we inahled soon doo bu at koba, washed it down with some yogurtland, and spent time browsing in this cute new store at UTC called Tokyo Lifestyle. As the night went on, I couldn't help but look at Amy and realize how lucky I am to have her in my life. I am at a loss for words when it comes to describing the beauty of Amy Chen. Her genuine kindness, understanding, courage, and humility cease to amaze me. I could continue for hours about her but I just wanted to tell you, Amy, that I am truly grateful to have you in my life. Without you, a piece of me is missing. DRAMATIC?! i think NOT =)

"When all is crumbling
Steady your hand

You can never say never
Why we dont know when
Time, time and time again
Younger now then we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go

We're pulling apart and coming together again and again
We're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again"

never say never came on my itunes right now and I had to stop typing for a moment because this song gives me the chills every time i listen to it--It gives you hope, even when you're hopeless. it reminds me of you, you know who you are.

Kelvin, one of my favorites, IM-ed me earlier and struck up a conversation about staffing. He was the one who actually inspired me to create this blog so if you enjoyed reading this at all, thank Kelvin. When we came across the topic of my SPOP parents, my eyes immediately lit up and I couldn't stop smiling. My words will never give you, Melyssa Griffin and Alex Yoon, justice but I hope you know that I truly love you both. Mom you are the heart of our family and Dad, you're the soul. From simple things like sending us encouraging texts and scheduling myxers and family play dates, to telling us that you just LOVE us, know that I couldn't have asked for better parents. Your dedication, inspiration, and selflessness make me want to be different--to be better. It encourages me to question various things, explore the unknown, and test my limits as a staffer and as a being in society. I am truly humbled to be in the presence of such greatness. My life is changed forever. Thank you, for teaching me to realize that SPOP isn't about me at all, it's about them. It's about maximizing what we've experience and learned and giving back to spoppers and staffers alike. It's about learning and appreciating people and life. I felt compelled to copy and paste a few lines from the conversation I had with Kelvin about you, Dad:

kelvin: FUCK I hope he applies to be a coord
kelvin: He literally changed my entire outlook on being a returner because he was my CP during 8
kelvin: your dad is fucking amazing
OMFGitsTAMMY: he changes lives
OMFGitsTAMMY: he changed mine
OMFGitsTAMMY: =)
kelvin: he really does

Daddy, that you look you gave me during family closing, the one you gave me during our discussion with everyone in your family room, meant the world to me. Especially, because it was coming from you. You know what i'm talking about.

Mom, so many positive things are said about you, too. You know what else I LOVE? it's silly but even when we're in a large crowd of people and I yell "MOM!!" you always turn your head and search through the crowd until your eyes find me. The first time it happened, I just stared back at you. I had forgotten what I wanted to say to you because in that moment...in that moment...i'm sorry but I can't quite articulate what I felt but know that I felt a special connection. I knew that were this unconditionally loving mom who, even in a crowd of 20-30 people, could recognize my insignificant voice. You made me believe in SPOP families.

So, from the bottom of my heart, I love you BOTH and of course, THE AMAZING JERK FAMILY. Thank you for everything and more.

Sunrise is drawing nearer and nearer and with that in mind, I must bid farewell. I'm sorry this blog is so boring and inarticulate. My entry is scattered brained, like me (hence the song lyrics, etc etc above)

good night and good luck.

i am so effed for tomorrow but it was well worth it.

with all my love and more,

Tammy